Friday, September 29, 2006

Month In Hell

Goodbye, September. Eleven months before I see you again will still be too soon.

This has been a month in hell for me. The worry, the fear, the doubt, the sleepless nights, the phantom pains, the ever present anxiety, the placing of my entire life on hold. The tests, and the waiting for the results. The questions, and lack of answers. The bureaucratic mess and heartless decisions that delayed Blue Cross/Blue Shield approving a test that could have answered many of those questions by now.

I will not cry when you leave, and the calendar turns to October. With that turn comes a new month, and new concerns. My PET scan is scheduled for the 3rd... but at least I can carry into the month with some hope now, and an optimism I did not have on August 31st, when the calendar changed and this goddamned farce began.

I had my consult with Dr. B today. There is a lot of potentially good news to report... the lymph node growths that are of concern have remained the same size... one has gotten smaller... since the August CT scan. Tumors don't shrink... they can remain the same size for awhile, but TC usually grows quickly. So, PGN (Possible Good News) #1.

PGN #2: No tumor markers are present in my blood.

PGN #3: All other scans are clean.

That's the good news. Here's the questionable stuff --

There remains one area of concern: the nodule on my left lung has grown from 8 mm to 13 mm. That could be a tumor... or, it could be scarring from some kind of respiratory infection. My allergies - or something - have been kicking my tail since heading back to NM, and this could all be from that. Dr. B prescribed an antibiotic to see if that clears the congestion up... if it does, then that could be another sign that this is, well, nothing.

I finally have the PET scan scheduled for next Tuesday, 3 pm. If that shows anything amiss, then all bets are off and we start thinking cancer again. But even Dr. B saw this as good news ("with qualifications"), which is a sign to me that maybe, just maybe... this has all been much ado about nothing.

I hope and pray.

I'll be awake when September ends... because I want to change each and every one of my calendars to October as soon as I can.

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